Alright....

I'm doing it.

After several days to emotionally calm down and clear my head....i'm reporting my own husband to the authorities.

The past 4 years of sexual ABUSE has gone too far.  IWith the support of family and close friends who have gone through similar pain, they opened my eyes more to the manipulation and deciet I am encountering.  Along with the abuse comes rape.  I'm tired of denying to truth while suffering the consequences.  I'm tired of pretending as if it didn't happen.  I'm tired of never uttering a word to ANYONE.  All this time, only one person knew my secret. 

The only reason I am stepping forward is due to recent happenings.  9 months of seperation rehabilitates emotional wounds.  I was able to truly feel the wretched disgusting, unworthy object that I was......by him.

.....I still have an extremely rough time admiting to the years of sexual abuse or the recent....rape.  I love him. I want to tell myself everything will go away, he will transform, and a miracle could happen.  I guess that's part of the twisted sickness, so the "professionals" keep screaming at me.  

Today, Monday, individual session, I begin by reporting EVERYTHING to my counselor.

GOD am I terrified of what's to happen.

Why does it pain my heart to do the right thing?  I did everything to lead myself to this place, fully knowing the consequence. 

Now, look @ me...it's 6:30am, on Xanga, with hopes of relieving my anguish and pain to fall asleep!!!  The constant crying hasnt stopped! 

On top of all that, is more pain and the FIGHT to not revert to the wretched "Cassandra" the past 4 years.

It just doesnt make sense!!!!!!!!!!!  How does a feeling make NO SENSE, but I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW, I am making the right decision. 

......I'm just so tired of hurting.  SO tired of it.  To the very point of telling him, I dont think I can do it anymore, regardless, of knowing what i'm supposed to do.  I told him, without even trying, he is killing me again.  Except this time around, I incredibly miss my best friend.  Today (Monday), the plan is to talk to the counselor about everything.  Everything includes possibly moving to Hawaii.

...................I know, how I am though.......I dont give up!  I will literally kill myself if it means doing the right thing!

It's like i'm cursed to feel pain so deeply.  Even the longing dreams started again.  Yes, the same exact haunting Aaron Beall type dreams that follwed after me for 6 or so years.  Except....he's not Aaron Beall.  All I can do is savor the memories, and wish for a glimmer of hope.  Pathetic.  

For a long time, I kept tellling myself he could do better than I, because I had my issues with Chris.  I still tell myself that.  It became evident how right I was when he wanted more from the relationship.  I never could give myself 100%.  Never.  How could I?  A huge chunk of me was dedicate to Chris, whether or not I desired that.  Eventually, my lack of actions and focus on Chris escalated to an "emotional crutch".  That cut ever-so deeply.  Still does.  With the feeling, the direction, new pressures, old pressures, and being pushed away for quite some time, I needed to make a decision I DID NOT WANT TO MAKE. 

Here, I am still suffering from it.  Craving to hear his voice, feel his touch, watch his laugh.....and now making myself cry all over again.  I love him.  Really, truly love him with all my heart, soul, body, mind, spirit....no one can tell me otherwise.  Ha so much so, I screwed over Halloween.  Couldnt do it.

Again, it's better this way.  We are free to do our thing.  My thing is to take care of this gigantic mess without distractions (lovely distraction it was), and him, well, he doenst have to recieve guff from everyone. 

I'm actually falling asleep.  This Xanga treatment is working!  This is where I'll stop.

After a surprising, yet, deep conversation with Matinee Man, he told me that he did not want me in his life.  He said, "I realized that when you are around, I am comforted and content.  I need to feel uncomfortable or else I wont work on myself.  Right now, I'm comfortable and I need you out of my life or else I wont work on myself."

Huh....

During our conversation, I admitted what the counselor and I discussed.  I told him that no matter how much healing I go through, every time I am around him, I go numb.  It's like an automatic reaction to lose all hope, joy, and, most of all, MYSELF!  I become the old me that my family and I HATED...an unrecognizable person.  Because of what I become, I become fearful that I may lose myself again, which produces anxiety that leads to binging. 

Furthermore, I confessed that the ONLY driving factor to not yet divorcing is because I want SO badly to have that ONE marriage.  The one marriage that I desired, revolved my life around since I was a wee child, and lived out what I learned.  I told him that I, honestly, could care less about him when it comes to our marriage.  I said, "Maybe, a reason I dont have any form of emotional attachment is because I had my heart broken in a million pieces our entire marrige and you didnt care.  That, perhaps, I have been broken beyond repair.  Quite honestly, when beside you, I envision a future of darkness, no kids, no friendships, no joy...like how I used to be.  Whenever I am away from you, life, as I know it is beautiful!  Full of joy.  I cant help but think of my future family a lot!  Even more reasons why I do not have my heart set on working on things between us.  Literally, I do not want to go back to anything that is unhealthy.  Through all of this, the ONLY thing I can trust in a person is seeing them earnestly and with a good attitude TRY to work on themselves ALL the time, without me begging, crying, or even asking.  To me, that's healthy and love.  If someone has that character trait, I'm not leaving their side...it's why I do not want to, well, it makes it easy to love them in return.  I can put my full confidence and faith in them."

After my confession, I expected Chris to make excuses and say, "oh, i'm trying".  INSTEAD, in all seriousness (or so I was led to believe), he said, "if you have come this far and only end up reverting back to your old self when around me, you should not be around me.  We should only talk in counseling or if its about Wags or bills....similar to when you lived in Lynchburg.  I cant live with myself if I know how sad you become when around me.  All I know is that I love you and I dont know how to express love to a human.  I want you to be happy.  It's best that you stay away from me.  I can see now that you are becoming more depressed as we speak.  You should go.  Go now, before it affects you too much and you go home to binge.  I see now that you need to work on the Binging and not the marriage.  I need to work on myself.  I know you left me, last time, but this time, I am leaving you, because I cant keep hurting you like this....everything about me is unhealthy, even my family."

Hmmmm....

SO!  Here I am, alone, but thinking about what I want and dont want in my future.  Even in the midst of my thinking, my heart aches to be beside my beast.  I love him SO much, its not even funny! It's good that I am not talking to really anyone, but a few closest of close friends.  It is, also, good that I began working through the Into the Light workbook again.  Now, is the time to truly reevaluate past and present circumstances.  Am I really self-medicating since I havent healed or grieved from the marriage's pain?  I guess, the most reflecting and thinking that will be done is when I am admitted to Remuda Ranch.  Perhaps, after treatment, I will have definite answers.